may 30, 2008
dear tatay,
happy birthday!
its been a quite while since i talked to you. and surely i miss the simple conversations that we always had. the nights that we work on together my homework, complicated projects and your bad back. is you back still aching up to know? i can give you a massage.
gees, i dunno what else to say. as you see dad, i’m all grown up. well maybe not that adult kind of stuff, but i’ve learned how to stand for myself, made some good decisions and graduated college without any failing grade on the card. and i like to thank you for that. unconsciously dad, you’ve taught me how to be me. doing things my way and not always yours, or them. you’ve lightened the way but allowed me experience the pains and reality of the real world. and that was a great eye opener for me. that i cannot have all things. but i always have a good family to lean on at the end of a very bad day.
i must admit. i hated the day you left. july 21, 1997 at 3 pm was the worst day of my life. i felt like, why? why now? i didn’t see the immediate positivity on having someone special left. my life then became dark and hopeless. i was so upset that i didn’t even want to go to school. i cried hard each night. i have missed you every night. and i felt my life was a big crap.
but as they say, everything has a reason.
i cannot enumerate the good reasons of having having you left, but seeing myself today is the product of all those “reasons”. i have learned how to discover and flourish all my talents up to the greatest extent. you brought up the writer – poet in me. did you know that my first poem was dedicated to you? and that poem had exact syllable counts – 12 per line. i didn’t know i can write until i had those extreme emotions. losing you brought back the bright student in me. i have work hard, study hard in order to have a good scholarship / sponsorship at college. i have to prove to them that i am worthed of a good education. as i always say, if my dad was here, i would be one of the “happy-go-lucky” students at the campus. just because i know my dad was there to support me.
dad, i cannot thank you for leaving me. because that would be just irony. but i thank you for the lessons you’ve gave me. ten years after you’ve left had given me ten million lessons about life. even if you’re gone almost half of my life now. i still adore you. i still treasure you. and still love you the most. i don’t hate you, because you left. i hate the disease that made you left. and someday i promise, I’ll become a good oncology nurse to deploy the care that i should have given you.
there, this was a long letter. as much as i want to say more, i’ve ran out of words. you just take care of yourself there. get easy with your coffee. and i’ll see you soon. happy birthday!
love,
clarice.
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my dad died because of lung cancer, july 21, 1997.
and its his 59th birthday today.
