I have nothing to write.
Trying to pour my empty mind.
I feel weak, I feel tired, I feel blind and I don’t know why.
Is it the sun that shines so much?
Or the moon that floats through out the night?
For no reason, I felt sad and pale to face the wonderful day.
Maybe I think too much of the things that are not relevant to me.
Maybe I am still in search for the missing puzzle in me.
Maybe I worry much that tomorrow I might not be asleep.
Maybe I find it hard to accept the things right here in front of me.
Maybe I pretend much that this life is for me.
Least maybe I feel bitter and crucial about everything.
***
On the road, when the rush is high and temper fails don’t you just want to over take cars or take a U-turn to leave the pride? Change lines so that you arrive fast to the destination wanted or take the risk of a slow moving line and nourish all the heat? Or you did not take the chance to drive your own car, because you don’t have one and don’t want to have one.
I already have planned my life but it never did happen according to what I have written. I often change lines and took the turns of the road. No more reverses, just a full tank of courage and a navigator powered by the Creator to reach the end of the road.
I have bumped other cars, brought damage because of impulsive decisions with the miscomprehended situations. Short temper and bursts of emotions buries the good impression of the road ahead. I don’t want to meet the problems of the road, I just want to escape and change lines to end up the situation. But I never did find solutions by doing so, at the end of the day my car has scratches, my mirrors are broken and neither a good paint job can solve it or surplus mirrors can replace it. Those damages are forever.
“Scars reminds us that the past is real, I tear my heart open just to fail.”
***
After a month of confusion and search for the unknown, finally I ended up with a strong belief.
The hardest things to believe are the things that you cannot see, cannot explain and cannot understand. Science proposes different facts to answer man’s endless curiosity, provides images to encourage him to believe more and continues to study and search for the unknown. Religion on the other hand, gives strength to man’s soul. Inducts love, peace and faith on man. Makes him believe in God and settle the purposes of life, answers the puzzle of man’s pulse. Proofs are written, but how does a man believe them? How does a man have faith in them?
I have been through a lot of soul searching and reflecting, trying to find answers about science and my religion. Fortunately, it always ends with back pains, headaches and a little mental problem. Growing in a Roman Catholic family and going into a private school lead by nuns, I accepted things about God as it was given. The concept of the church and faith, believing it and embracing it. But as I grow up with my own ideals, I started to ask and doubt my beliefs and faith. I asked for proofs, significant documents and relevant testimonials. Found out that my religion cannot defend and answer my quests. Faith fails and science prevails. I believed in science documentaries for it explains and encourages me more. It answered and placed peace on my almost insane mind. I had faith in science and only believed in religion.
Faith and belief is just like selling products in the market. The seller tries to explain his goods, giving its purposes, qualities and importance. Persuading consumers to buy and have it, then eventually use it as an aid for life. A consumer that has belief, entertains the talk, accepts it, and believes on what the seller is trying to say but does not buy it. He perceives that the product has no significance for his future, just a luxury. While the consumer that has faith goes through the same process but purchases the product at the end of the sales presentation, for he needs it and satisfies him. He realizes that it is life’s necessity.
I became an atheist. No god, religion and soul. I lived with a lot of books and had faith in them. But as life goes on, and the sun goes up in the morning, there is something in opening your eyes in the morning and feeling the heat of the sun. The emotion of being alive and feeling the life in my whole. The strange feeling of life and being alive.
In the middle of the chaos of confusion, I had found another book that answered all my questions. The book that I always ignore, the Holy Bible. It explained clearly the creation and purpose of life. Strengthen and gave peace in my tired mind. It was a weird quest, even I do not believe in it. Just when I thought I already know everything in the world there dominates the Righteous of us all. Made me see that I am just a grain needed His hands to grow. That having a life is not just believing you have a life, but having faith that you will still be alive.
There is nothing wrong in believing and having faith in science, religion or with nothing. It is on the way we perceive and accept things suited for our lives. I may be right, I may be wrong with my faith, but the important thing is that I had found answers in my beliefs and had faith in it. I challenge you to find yours too.
POSTSCRIPT: I might sound holy or something but its feels good to know what your beliefs are and how strong is your faith. Is it strong enough to make you stand with every fall that life offers?
***
Happy Birthday to my dad! I miss you & I love you.
